Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
what’s really going on
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
At least my masseuse has my back.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!