[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
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[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds