The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
You Might Also Like
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan