Before & after 😅
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Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.