I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
You Might Also Like
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart