This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?