did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
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HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
This anagram machine is out of order.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.