After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
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*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.