It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
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i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”