Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
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shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.