“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
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HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”