Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
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“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
You’ll be OK