I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
my professor scared me for a second
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.