I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
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In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food