i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
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A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.