This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
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hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother