Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
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If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
This could be us but you eatin’
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.