What’s this sorcery? 😂
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Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf