Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
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broke down and did it
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
is nasa ok
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Sticker placement is key.