*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
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I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Our lord and savoury.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.