yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
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“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years