Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
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My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.