Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
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We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what