9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
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it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Dance like you’re not the father
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.