rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
You Might Also Like
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.