KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
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Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Worth remembering.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
How animals would run if they were human