Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
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I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Smile they said.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.