[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
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Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves