Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
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Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about