Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
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therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
The smoothest fall of all time
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.