For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
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Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.