Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
You Might Also Like
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.