*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
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[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs