Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
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Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.