Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
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On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Please do it!
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.