Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
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Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon