If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
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Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
i want to work in this restaurant
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space