“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
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I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I’m giving up for Lent.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed