kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
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*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Children of the corn 🌽
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
There’s always that one guy
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6