Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
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Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.