Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
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Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers