My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
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Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Fight
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.