Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
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The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.