The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
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My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
What if all the cashiers are married?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
You are not alone 💚
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
🖤✌🏽
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*