To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
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An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills