Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
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It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.