Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
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Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
#Caturday
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish