“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
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It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly