Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
You Might Also Like
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.