Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
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How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.